Three days had passed since we seized the Red Mountain Fortress without a bloodbath.
A knight order had been mustering in the distance. The Red Boar Knights — one of the two knight orders commanded by the two border counts who oversaw the northern army of the Habsburg Empire, led specifically by Fritz von Rosenberg. Count von Rosenberg was quite the nuisance. In the game, he was constantly setting himself up as a rival to the protagonist hero.
"The annihilation of the Demon Lords is the duty of the entire nation, and indeed of all humanity. It must never be an individual's achievement."
That was von Rosenberg's argument. He feared that if the hero and his companions single-handedly defeated the Demon Lords, humans would no longer treat the war as their own concern. When the entire continent was cheering for the hero's party, only a handful of humans warned of the danger. Border Count von Rosenberg was their foremost spokesman.
"The Empire is currently far too intoxicated by heroism."
Those who speak out of turn invite stones.
While the hero's party diligently defeated Demon Lords one by one, the Empire's border-count armies hadn't killed a single one. What on earth were the armies doing? Weren't they simply jealous of the hero's dazzling exploits and hiding behind talk of heroism? Such criticisms were levied openly… which must have been an unparalleled insult to a noble house that had defended the continent's north for nearly five hundred years.
In the end, the border counts had raised their armies in desperation. Abandoning their defensive strategy, they instead launched an expedition beyond the Black Mountains. At first they seemed to be riding victory after victory, recovering their former prestige and authority — only to be utterly annihilated by an allied army led by the second-ranked Demon Lord Agares and the fourth-ranked Demon Lord Gamigin. That incident plunged the Human Realm into even deeper chaos.
Pride in their house, a sense of duty to protect the Empire and humanity, real military strength… in every respect, they were a formidable opponent. Clashing with that man right now was extremely dangerous. Agares and Gamigin had annihilated them, but put another way, it meant that annihilating him would require forces on the level of the second and fourth ranked Demon Lords working in concert. Our Demon Lord army had heeded my warning and not sallied beyond the city walls.
"It's only a hundred knights at most. Sounds like a fight worth picking."
Amy was the only one who spoke up. It seemed her confidence in her own abilities had grown after the operation's spectacular success. I gave a faint smile. It was time to bring this darling back to reality.
"A single Imperial knight is on par with an Ogre."
"Hah, one knight?"
"There are a hundred Ogres' worth of them over there. Well, half are probably apprentice knights, so let's call it seventy Ogres. The reason they're loitering out there is to lure us out. If you'd like to dance with seventy Ogres on an open plain, Comrade Amy, I'll cheer you on all the way. Don't worry. I'll pick up your bones for you."
Amy looked back and forth between the knight order and me, her eyes filled with fear. I understand the knights, but why is she looking at me like that? This world truly is full of mysteries.
That was the end of the complaints. With a hundred quarry right before their eyes, the Crescent Alliance Army's vanguard didn't budge from the mountain fortress.
With a mere two thousand troops, we had conquered the green, blue, yellow, and red fortresses in just five days. It was the fastest advance in the history of the Crescent Alliance Army. That feat of arms kept the newly minted Demon Lords obediently following Commander Zepar's orders. They had already earned enough merit to make an impression on the Plains Faction leadership, so there was no need to push further — they may well have understood that calculation. Either way, knowing one's own limits was a good sign.
It had been three days now in this standoff with the knight order.
Commander Zepar spoke.
"Commander Barbatos will be gracing us with his presence today."
We all let out a collective sigh of relief. We had been wracked with anxiety over whether the knight order might press their disadvantage in a siege battle and attack anyway. That afternoon, the main force of 17,000 monsters entered the mountain fortress. The sight of 17,000 monsters marching in formation was truly a spectacle.
We all went outside the fortress gates to welcome the main force. The leadership of the main force then approached. Striding forward with black capes fluttering behind them, they reminded me of a mafia family.
In the center stood a giant reaching four meters tall. He was Beleth, the 13th ranked Demon Lord in the Plains Faction — ranked just below Barbatos. He wore a scowl as though he were perpetually angry, but that was simply his natural expression. According to him, he hated the Human Realm so much that just setting foot there made him scowl involuntarily — in other words, he was subtly revealing that he was the world's biggest lunatic.
"Good work, Vanguard Commander Zepar." The giant Beleth spoke, growling like a tiger.
Zepar nodded.
"You arrived faster than I expected."
"With you paving the way ahead, it felt more like a leisurely outing. I'll let you know the Commander was pleased. Be pleased. You are, after all, indisputably the Commander's second-in-command."
"...Second-in-command?"
Zepar's eyebrow twitched.
"Either my ears are failing me or your mouth is crooked. I, Zepar, am clearly the Commander's first-in-command."
"What a joke. The Commander's first-in-command isn't you — it's me. You're barely two thousand years old, but I'm well past twenty-four hundred. I've been following Lord Barbatos for four hundred years before you were even born. Hmph."
The giant Beleth snorted derisively.
"Four hundred years too early to call yourself first-in-command, little Zepar."
"I was wondering what senile drivel you were spouting, and it turns out it's just age-bragging. What has always mattered isn't numbers — it's heart. My loyalty to the Commander transcends a mere four hundred years. It would surpass ten thousand years and two thousand more."
The two shook hands. With their left hands. Veins bulged on the backs of their hands.
"You overgrown whelp――."
"You oversized pig――."
The other Demon Lords seemed used to this spectacle — they all wore expressions of bored indifference. A collective yearning to hurry inside the fortress and rest began to creep upward.
If I had to share my impression — well. I found it somewhat hard to understand why those guys didn't just kill themselves and kept on breathing. Now I understood perfectly why the Crescent Alliance Army had collapsed seven times over.
Regardless of rank, Barbatos looked like a twelve-year-old girl. In short, those two Demon Lords were locked in an intense battle of one-upmanship over who was the most devoted fan of a twelve-year-old girl. They were hopelessly incurable lolicons. The supreme command of the Plains Faction was a lolicon collective. If the humans ever heard about it, wouldn't they roar with laughter at what a magnificent joke it was?
...Somewhere in the back of my mind, a voice piped up asking who had actually slept with that loli. I ignored it. If I admitted to that, the dignity I had as a human would plummet spectacularly. Well, I wasn't human anymore, but still — a person has to have a last line in the sand.
Zepar spoke.
"That's enough. We didn't come out here to greet a wild boar like you. Where is the Legion Commander?"
"Hmm."
Beleth twisted his already ugly face into an even uglier grimace. At this point, you could barely tell whether that thing was a face or an aluminum kimbap wrapper.
"Lord Barbatos will arrive in eighteen seconds."
"Eighteen seconds?"
"It's sixteen seconds now."
"...Ah. So that is how he graces us with his presence."
As though he had understood something, Zepar nodded. Of all of us, only Zepar understood what Beleth had said. Amy asked a question.
"Sir. What does 'eighteen seconds' mean?"
"Ah, you're new, so you wouldn't know. There are ten seconds left now."
With that, Zepar pointed a finger toward a spot in the sky. Drawn by the gesture, every Demon Lord looked up. That was when a black dot appeared against the blue sky. The dot expanded in three dimensions in the blink of an eye. No — it became enormous. It was a dragon made of bones.
"The, the Lord of Bones!"
Amy screamed. I hadn't made a sound myself, but I was every bit as startled. A living dragon — beyond A-rank, an S-rank monster! That thing was powerful enough to use most of the lower-ranked Demon Lords as a light lunch. The waves of terror radiating from the other monsters hit me without filter. Even the Ogre was trembling from head to toe.
The dragon flapped its wings right above our heads. A storm of dust erupted. I shielded my face with my forearms. If I had let my footing slip even slightly, the wind would have swept me away on the spot. The Demon Lords naturally scattered to the sides. On the bare ground that had opened up, the dragon touched down slowly.
The flapping stopped. Clouds of dust blanketed the surroundings. Beyond the brown haze, only the dragon's colossal shadow stood faintly visible. From atop it, someone descended, stepping down along the dragon's bones.
Barbatos.
The eighth-ranked Demon Lord.
"Ah. Sorry, sorry."
Everyone held their breath as she trudged out.
"I'm a little late, right? I specifically asked to be woken at one, for fuck's sake. That braindead butler idiot overslept by a whole hour. I was panicking the whole time, thinking I'd be late."
Her tone was light throughout. But the moment she appeared, the eighteen Demon Lords and the eighteen thousand five hundred monsters all dropped to one knee at once. The ground trembled.
"We greet the Commander!"
The eighteen Demon Lords roared in unison. Barbatos furrowed her brows over her smooth forehead.
"Oh, stop being dramatic. Get up. You think kneeling makes you even a little prettier? Ah, well—of course."
Barbatos cast a sultry glance this way with a sly smile. She trudged over at an unhurried pace.
"Very, very rarely, there are a few cute ones among you. Hey, Zepar. You pulled off something, didn't you? Huh?"
"It is my honor, Your Excellency."
"Little punk. You charging like an absolute moron in the Sixth Crescent Alliance Army feels like yesterday! Pffft, hahaha!"
Barbatos laughed and slapped Zepar hard on the back. Every time her palm connected, Zepar's body lurched forward. He furrowed his brow as though troubled.
"Anyone here remember the Sixth Crescent Alliance Army? Man, I was there as a minister back then. Some little greenhorn was ramming headfirst into the knights of the Human Realm, and I couldn't believe my eyes. That little punk is him—this guy right here. Sixteenth in rank, our glorious vanguard commander Zepar!"
Several of the Demon Lords snickered. The tense silence that the Bone Dragon's arrival had brought was already gone without a trace.
"And it wasn't just any ordinary knights either. It was the Green Rose Knights of Bretagne, of all places. Even I, the great Barbatos, stood there slack-jawed watching that charge. And then it hit me—wow, this lunatic is a lunatic among lunatics. Jesus Christ, what a dumbass—but damn, it was cool."
The Demon Lords' laughter grew even louder. Zepar, who had become the butt of the joke in an instant, hung his head low. Even I, who had only ever known Zepar's dignified side, couldn't help but burst out laughing at that. Meanwhile, Beleth asked with a grim expression.
"So was the charge a success?"
"I told you—he's a dumbass, but he was cool. Pfft! Cool or not, a dumbass is still a dumbass. Oh, he absolutely botched the whole thing. You guys know this, right? He threw every last soldier he had into that mess, and to this day we only have twenty Ogres. Sixteenth in rank, and he's got twenty Ogres!"
Barbatos playfully nudged Zepar's side.
"Ugh, how could I ever hold my head up and brag that this guy is the third strongest in our Plains Faction? Huh? You absolute dumbass lunatic. Why did you do it back then? Come on, tell us. Let's finally solve this five-hundred-year mystery today."
Zepar bowed his head even deeper, like a condemned criminal. He looked utterly helpless against a young girl — not even a daughter, but closer to a granddaughter — playing pranks on him. Naturally, another roar of laughter erupted from those around them.
When the laughter finally died down, Barbatos pulled a folding fan from her robes and opened it with a snap.
"But starting today, you'll have something to brag about. Zepar, the sixteenth-ranked Demon Lord is without question a warrior our Plains Faction can be proud of. The great feat of breaking through the Black Mountains in a mere five days — no one else achieved it but this very Zepar."
"…Your Excellency."
Zepar slowly raised his head. Barbatos grinned.
"On a personal level, you've earned glory. On a greater scale, you've upheld the prestige of the Crescent Alliance Army. In an undertaking of this magnitude, you got us off to a start far beyond what I expected. My comrades — spare no praise for Zepar here."
A thunderous round of applause broke out. Even Beleth, the giant, clapped his hands with a grudging expression. Zepar responded with a military salute. Barbatos nodded.
"I, Barbatos, shall bestow upon Zepar a reward befitting his merit. The Lord of Bones, who has stood beside me for twelve hundred years, I hereby grant to Zepar."
"…! Y-Your Excellency!"
Zepar was stunned. He wasn't the only one shocked. Every Demon Lord in the room drew a sharp breath. When it reached Beleth, his jaw nearly hit the floor. The value of an S-class monster was simply beyond measure — and it had been given as a reward.
"My meager military contribution hardly warrants such an extravagant reward!"
"I won't accept any objections."
Barbatos cut him off in a stern tone.
"To Vepar, Balam, Murmur, and Amy, who participated in this battle — each of you will also receive ten thousand gold. Furthermore, when the Crescent Alliance Army's campaign comes to an end, all of you shall receive appropriate rewards based on your merits."
"W-We are deeply honored!"
"Thank you!"
The Demon Lords whose names had been called bowed at the waist.
I marveled inwardly. That was Barbatos, all right. She was laying down military law before the real war even began. The foundation of military discipline was reward and punishment. No matter how much the Demon Lords' pride might make them scoff at anything short of a mountain, they had just witnessed an S-class monster being handed over right before their eyes. There was no way their eyes weren't turning green. Even if only out of greed, they would follow Barbatos's commands.
Last time, we discussed the reasons the Crescent Alliance Army of old had failed. The fear of what would happen after victory — how they would survive afterward — had torn the army apart from within. But what if you could obtain an S-class monster through this campaign? Even if the Human Realm were conquered, you'd have more than enough means to survive. A practical purpose was being attached. The Demon Lords would cling desperately to Barbatos's benevolence.
"And one last person remains."
Barbatos looked at me this time.
"Oh, Dantalion. My dear friend."
The Demon Lords standing nearby drew sharp breaths again. *Friend.* Barbatos had never called anyone that before. The shock rippling through them was even greater than when the True Dragon had been granted… Being the center of attention like this was hardly pleasant.
"Zepar was the executor, and you were the planner. The Black Mountains, which tormented our Crescent Alliance Army for a thousand years, danced in the palm of your hand. What praise shall I offer you? What reward is fitting for you?"
She was deliberately using that tone of voice. Without a doubt. The more shocked the other Demon Lords became, the more her sadistic tendencies would be satisfied. You mean-spirited loli! You're a sadist and a psycho!
I swallowed and smiled.
"…You flatter me. I only did what was required."
"Heh heh. If all Demon Lords did their job like you, the Human Realm would've been conquered five times over by now. Now, come closer. Closer."
She beckoned with a finger. I had no choice but to approach her.
"Normally, I would reward a fine soldier with a grant or a large sum, but… what to do. I don't feel like doing that. This Dantalion fellow has been doing too well lately, I'm saying. So well that I'm getting jealous."
"…."
Barbatos flashed a smile that looked particularly unpleasant.
I felt even more uneasy.
"But one can't *not* reward merit, and sigh… What to do. I thought and thought. And sure enough, my genius mind came up with a perfectly suitable reward. Dantalion."
"Huh?"
Her hands grabbed my head. I was thinking *why does this feel like déjà vu* when, in that instant, a strength that was hard to believe came from her delicate hands and pulled the back of my head forward. And then her soft lips touched mine.
The second time.
It was the second time! I'd been hit again!
This time, I wasn't going to fall into confusion. With our lips still touching, I shot my eyes wide open. Barbatos was also smiling with her eyes. She was a confirmed culprit! An unspoken conversation flowed instantly between us.
— *How are you going to handle this!*
"What? You don't like it?"
"How am I supposed to deal with the aftermath?!"
"Dunno. Just live with it. If you want to kiss, you kiss."
"Maybe you can, but I sure can't!"
"It's fine, it fine. You won't die. Just stick your tongue out a little."
Time passed like death itself. I wanted to pull my lips away just enough, but there was absolutely no escaping Barbatos's tongue. If there were a worldwide kissing competition, she'd be the undisputed favorite without question. I could guarantee it. Damn it.
It was a long while before I was finally released from her.
Barbatos let out a satisfied breath.
"Whew. That kiss was your reward. Damn, how was it? Didn't I kill it?"
Yeah. She killed me. Literally killed me, word for word.
I quietly looked around. Sure enough, there they were — faces that had witnessed the end of the world. Whatever happened to their dignity? Over a dozen Demon Lords stood with their mouths hanging open. They didn't even say a word. When the shock exceeded a certain level, words simply wouldn't come.
Only Barbatos was chattering away, grinning from ear to ear.
"Ah, comrades. As you can see, I've claimed this one, yeah? I called dibs. If anyone tries to steal him away, I'll be happy to beat them down nice and gentle-like — so only step up if you think you can take me in a death match. From today on, Dantalion is my consort."
Who said anything about being anyone's consort?!
I barely managed to hold back the urge to scream and forced out a faint smile.
Suddenly, I felt a killing intent from somewhere. I turned my head, and there were Zepar and Beleth glaring this way with truly terrifying eyes. Their gazes alone looked ready to twist someone into a pretzel. It seemed I'd been firmly marked by those lolicon gentlemen...
What could I even do about it?
All I could do was sigh.
============================ Author's Afterword ============================
— Chapter <Humanity's Lapdog> END.