"Are we talking here? Or going inside the warehouse?"
"Here is fine."
I figured I should be careful about who might see us since this was going to be a complicated conversation, but
"So, what's this about?"
Lutz's green eyes were burning with anger, yet his manner seemed strangely calm. Rather than erupting right away, he held back whatever was simmering deep inside him and spoke in a low voice for his opening line.
"...Who are you, really?"
Quite the difficult question to be hit with out of nowhere. I didn't know how to answer.
I still think of myself as Honobono Reina, but from every angle, I'm nothing but Mine. And having spent about a year sharing this body, living in this world, I was no longer Honobono Reina either.
Reina had almost never done anything on her own initiative beyond reading books. Since she commuted to college from home, she never left her parents' place, and all household chores were basically left to her stay-at-home-mother. She could have done them if she'd wanted to, but she never actively took them on.
She had absolutely no need to head into the forest every day to gather plants, to fuss over seasoning in hopes of enriching the diet, or to make paper so she could read books. The Reina who was content just reading whatever books happened to be lying around, following her own whims, and the me who existed now were completely different people.
Lutz apparently judged that I had no intention of answering, given how I was struggling with what to say. He glared at me even harder and spoke up.
"You said you knew how to make this kind of paper, and that you'd made it before, right?"
"...The way I made it before was quite different, though."
"That doesn't matter. That's not something Mine would know."
"...Yeah."
There was no point in piling on lies now that he was already so certain, and I couldn't exactly dodge the question anymore. So I answered honestly.
"Mine wouldn't have any way of knowing this. She barely ever left the house."
I knew from Mine's own memories that she had seldom gone outside. Thanks to that, her memories held almost no useful information about this world, and it had been incredibly difficult trying to reconcile my common sense with the common sense of this world. Even now, I often think back on all the mistakes I made.
"Yeah. Mine really was a girl who knew nothing."
"Then who are you!? Where did the real Mine go!? Give Mine back to me!"
Lutz erupted in a shout.
But compared to the words Lutz hurled at me, my own imagination was far worse—or maybe it was because I'd steeled myself for this moment the moment the paper was finished—I noticed that I was feeling surprisingly calm. It was a far cry from the panic I'd felt right after I'd essentially self-destructed.
"I don't mind giving the real Mine back, but... wouldn't it be better to do that at home instead of here?"
Perhaps he hadn't expected me to agree so readily. Lutz's eyes went wide with surprise, and then his brows drew together in suspicion.
"Why?"
"Because wouldn't it be a pain to carry a corpse home? If I disappear, it's probably only a corpse that'll be left behind. You wouldn't want people thinking you killed me, would you?"
The only people who used this warehouse were Lutz and me. And today, both my family and the people at
If I lost consciousness here in the warehouse and simply died, there was a high chance all the blame would fall on Lutz. Even if no one blamed him, wouldn't Lutz himself be eaten alive by guilt?
I thought I was being considerate of Lutz by suggesting we do it at home, but it seemed the suggestion came completely out of the blue for him.
"Wh-what—what—what are you talking about!?"
My words left Lutz flustered, his face stiffening as he panicked. It apparently hadn't occurred to him that if I disappeared, Mine wouldn't necessarily come back.
"Does that mean Mine is gone for good!? That she's not coming back!?"
"Yeah, probably..."
I could only say "probably." I had no way of knowing for sure. I could only search through Mine's memories. I had never spoken with Mine, and she had never demanded I give her body back.
"Just answer me this one thing!"
Lutz fixed me with an intense, piercing glare. He looked like a hero of justice who hated evil with every fiber of his being.
That thought made me smile a little. For Lutz, that was exactly what this was. I was the villain who had stolen the body of his sickly childhood friend, and he himself was undoubtedly the hero trying to save her.
"That time, when you were talking to
I was actually a little impressed by Lutz's theory: that the fever inside my body had devoured Mine. The part about Mine being devoured by the fever was probably not wrong.
"Half right and half wrong. I also think the real Mine was eaten by the fever. Her last memories were all about heat, begging for help, it hurts, I can't take it anymore. That's all she had. But I'm not that fever, and the fever looks like it could eat me too."
"What does that mean!? You're the one at fault, right!? It's because of you that Mine disappeared, isn't it!? Say it!"
Lutz grabbed my shoulders and shook me hard.
His own theory had been overturned and he was getting worked up, but hearing "It's my fault" and "It's because of you that Mine disappeared" repeated over and over got under my skin.
"It's not like I chose to be here as Mine! I was supposed to be dead, and the next thing I knew, I was in this child's body! If I'd had a choice, I would've picked a world where I could read plenty of books, and even in this world, I would've chosen a noble class where I could read books. And instead of this frail, sickly body, I would've picked something healthier. I never would have chosen a body that was suddenly consumed by a fever that spreads like wildfire!"
The moment I let it all spill out—that I never wanted to become Mine—Lutz looked as if he'd been caught off guard, and his grip on my shoulders loosened.
"You... you didn't want to become Mine?"
"If it were you, Lutz, would you want to? In the beginning, just leaving the house left me out of breath, and the next day I'd be bedridden. It took forever before I could even go to the forest, and even now, my growth is slow. And if I let my guard down even a little, the fever comes right back..."
Lutz thought in silence for a while, then slowly shook his head. The force with which he'd grabbed me had faded, and his gaze started to wander as if he didn't know what to do.
"...Are you being swallowed up by the fever too? The same way Mine was?"
"Yeah, I think so. If I let my guard down even a little, the fever surges all at once, and it feels like it could swallow me whole. It's like being swallowed by the fever—or more like melting away and disappearing... It's hard to explain."
It was probably hard for Lutz to imagine even from my explanation, because he furrowed his brows and kept thinking.
"So if you don't like that I'm using Mine's body, and if you want me to disappear, just say the word. I can disappear right away."
The Lutz who had been demanding I give the real Mine back was now staring at me with a stunned expression. His face looked like he wanted to say "What are you talking about?" and that confused me more than anything.
"...It would be better if I disappeared, right?"
The moment I confirmed it, Lutz's elegant brows shot upward and he snapped back at me.
"Don't ask me! Why are you asking me something like that!? It'd be weird if I told you to disappear and you actually did!"
"It might be weird, but if Lutz weren't here... I would've disappeared a long time ago."
"Huh!?"
Seeing Lutz's confused expression, I recounted what had happened before, recalling the chain of events from the very beginning.
"Don't you remember? When Mother burned the wooden tablet, you collapsed, didn't you?"
"Oh, right..."
Come to think of it, something like that had happened, Lutz murmured. What had been a minor incident for him had been a major turning point for me.
"At that time, I thought it would be fine to let the fever swallow me. I actually planned to disappear for good. I had no attachment to a world without books, and no matter how hard I tried, nothing was ever going to be finished. I thought, whatever, let it end."
I heard the sound of Lutz swallowing hard.
Prompted by his silence to continue, I lightly closed my eyes and recalled the moment when, while being swallowed by the heat, a face had suddenly appeared among the blurry images of my family.
"While the fever was swallowing me, Lutz's face suddenly appeared among my family's faces, and I thought, why is he here? I tried to look at Lutz more closely, and when I put all my strength into my body, the fever receded and my consciousness returned. I was actually a little surprised because Lutz was really there."
"That's... you were just surprised because it wasn't a familiar face. It's not like you came back to consciousness because I was there or anything."
Lutz furrowed his brow and sighed. I lightly shook my head.
"The initial spark that brought my consciousness back was the shock of seeing Lutz. But right then, you said you'd go get bamboo so it wouldn't get burned, remember? That made me want to try a little harder to fight the fever."
"Your aunt burned the bamboo too, though."
I nodded at Lutz's words. That sense of helplessness that went beyond anger and frustration—I could still recall it clearly even now. Just remembering it gave the heat inside me a surge of strength, even now.
"When I was thinking that I hated everything, that nothing mattered anymore, the heat surged in all at once. I'd already lost the will to resist, so I figured it would be fine to just die like that... but then I remembered my promise with Lutz."
"Promise?"
Lutz murmured that he had no memory of any such promise. He genuinely didn't seem to remember, and he looked slightly upward as if searching his memory.
Just as I thought, I smiled a little. I knew that for Lutz, it had been nothing more than words to the effect of "get well soon." But even so, they had been the words that kept me tethered here.
"I promised to introduce you to Otto-san. I said the bamboo was an advance payment, and that you had to get better, remember?"
Hearing my words, Lutz seemed to recall something he would have rather forgotten. He let out an embarrassed groan, as if someone had pointed out a dark chapter from his past, and buried his head in his hands.
"That—! I wasn't trying to do you a favor or anything when I said that... Ugh, damn it."
"Then what did you mean by it?"
"Don't ask! Let it go! Forget it!"
I wanted to dig into Lutz's unexpected reaction and tease him about it, but I was the one on trial here. So I held back as he'd asked and pretended not to notice.
"So anyway, I remembered the promise, and even though Lutz had done so much for me, I felt like it would be wrong to disappear without repaying a single thing, so I fought hard to suppress the fever..."
"..."
"I got to meet Otto-san and Benno, fulfilled the promise, made the paper, and if possible, I'd like to make books. But if you want me to disappear, Lutz, I will."
Lutz stared at me with a face like he'd bitten into something bitter. His eyes, which seemed unwilling to let even the smallest lie slip by, scanned me from top to bottom before he finally looked away, defeated.
"Since when..."
"Hm? What?"
He was looking down when he spoke, and I couldn't quite catch the words. I tilted my head and asked him to repeat himself.
Lutz raised his face and fixed me with a steady gaze.
"Since when have you been Mine?"
"...When do you think? When do you think I stopped being the Mine you knew?"
I answered a question with a question, but Lutz didn't get angry. He stared off into the distance with a serious expression, deep in thought. He looked at me, muttered something under his breath, then looked down and kicked at the dirt beneath his feet.
After thinking for a while, Lutz looked up as if something had clicked.
"...This."
Lutz pointed at my hairpin.
"Since you started wearing this?"
I hadn't expected him to hit the nail so squarely on the head, but it was true—I was the only person around who wore a hairpin. My hair was so fine and straight that no matter how tightly I tied it back, it always came loose. If it had been anything less than stick-straight, I would have just tied it with a cord like everyone else."
"...Correct."
"That's almost a year!"
Lutz's eyes flew open and he shouted as if spitting the words out.
Come to think of it, I had become Mine at the end of autumn. It was now the middle of autumn, so the seasons were nearly completing a full cycle.
"Yeah. My memories are mostly just of lying around with a fever, but it's been just about a year."
More than half my memories of life here consisted of being bedridden with a fever. But even so, compared to the original Mine who had spent most of her time in bed, I was remarkably more active.
"...Does your family not know?"
"I'm not sure. They've noticed something strange, but I doubt they want to believe it's not Mine."
In particular, Turi and my mother, who had been taking care of Mine while she was cooped up at home, surely had some idea. But since neither of them had said anything, I didn't bring it up either. As long as our lives functioned this way, I was fine with it.
"Besides, Father said he was just happy that I was doing well."
"...I see."
With a sigh, Lutz turned his back to me, as if to say the conversation was over. He reached out and touched the paper stuck to the board, checking how dry it was.
I had steeled myself to disappear, but now the conversation was ending without any conclusion, leaving me in limbo.
"Hey, Lutz..."
"...I think that's something Mine's family should decide."
Before I could finish, Lutz cut me off.
He said it was Mine's family who should decide whether I should disappear. But if that was how it ended, then nothing would change for me.
"So we just stay like this for now?"
"That's how it'll be."
I couldn't read Lutz's true intentions since he wasn't looking at me.
Would Lutz really be okay with me living on as I was, knowing I wasn't Mine?
"That's really fine with you?"
"I'm telling you, it's not my call to make..."
Lutz still refused to look at me, so I grabbed his arm.
What I wanted to know was how Lutz felt about me—not Mine. After all that anger and all those accusations, was "things stay as they are" really the outcome, and was Lutz truly content with that?
"Lutz, are you sure you don't want me to disappear? I'm not the real Mine, you know?"
Lutz's arm twitched slightly. I thought it was his arm trembling in my grasp, but it was actually my own hand that was shaking.
"...It's fine."
"Why?"
When I pressed him again, Lutz finally looked at me.
With an exasperated, somewhat resigned expression, he flicked my forehead with his finger.
"If you disappear, Mine still won't come back, right? And if it's been you all along since a year ago, then the Mine I know is pretty much you."
As he said this, Lutz raked his fingers through his golden hair. Then he met my eyes squarely.
The pale green eyes that looked at me were calm. The initial anger and fury had completely dissipated. They were the eyes of the Lutz I knew.
Because before, he hadn't thought about training his body, and had been even frailer.
Because even the number of times he and
"...So, you being my Mine is good enough."
At Lutz's words, something deep inside my heart clicked into place.
The things that had been floating aimlessly settled down with a soft thud.
It was a change too small to see with the eyes, but it was a big one for me.
So with that invisible change included, things stay as they are.
Next time, I'll deliver the paper to Benno.